We’re All Riding the Same Different Trains

I am suspended in the middle of depression and ecstasy.

It's one of those days. It's always just one of those days when you are on your usual commute, thinking, "How did my life become so ordinary?"

I love Grey's Anatomy. I have invested so much on this show that every time I feel down, I remember Meredith Grey's mother saying, "...imagine my disappointment when I wake up after five years and discover that you are no more than ordinary! What happened to you?" No one with Alzheimer's disease who has a sudden lucid moment has asked me this, but I relate to Meredith Grey when I think about how ordinary my life has become. Meredith said something extraordinary happens every now and then, but the “every now and then” moments just seem to come and go.

I hate The Girl on the Train. The book and movie are as boring as my life is minus the suspense and murder, but I cannot deny that I empathize with the girl just a little bit too much. Like the girl on the train, I get by on routine but unlike the girl, I do not expect that something life-changing will happen while I stare out of a moving train, cozy in my comfort zone.

I am obsessed with This is Us. One of the first scenes was that of a main character asking himself exactly when everything started to go wrong in his life. He was able to figure out when that was, in the same way that I am able to remember the point when my wagon decided to go off track. The fact is, the beginning does not matter. No matter how many times I recount where everything began to get ruined, my ordinary life remains to be ordinary.

I work a 9-5 job (10-7, actually, but 9-5 just sounds more authentic) and I travel to and from the office for almost five hours every weekday. I spend my Saturdays bingeing on TV series that break my heart and give me feelings I never thought I had, and every Sunday I tell God that this is the week that my life is going to change. I still haven’t met the love of my life and I can count my true friends in one hand. I am as ordinary as it gets.

I am normal, and being normal is underrated. I am not the only human being on this planet who has days when I just want to jump off a high-speed carriage and then be reincarnated into a more interesting person.

I am writing this, ironically, while on a moving train, surrounded by people who are also hanging on to dear life, seeing the same sights and staying on the same seats for years. For now, I am fine. This is fine. Maybe tomorrow, I'll change seats. Maybe tomorrow, I'll ride the bus. Today, I am fine.